Verbal Red Flag: “I don’t like to repeat myself”
Telltale Signs You’re about to Lose Credibility and What You Can Do About It
By Alexander Lyon
Years ago, I was attending a morning meeting. Unfortunately, a few people regularly showed up late. The manager had previously reminded the group that he expected them to be on time.
Still, this particular morning, one of the regular offenders wandered in with a cup of coffee and no explanation for her lateness. The normally composed manager lost his patience. He looked down at the table with his head cocked sideways and spoke at a deliberate pace. “I have already asked you to all be on time once. (long pause) I really don’t like to repeat myself.”
He obviously restrained himself from using stronger words. An awkward silence filled the room while he tried to shake off his frustration and refocus. I glanced over at the late arriver. She smirked and looked somewhat pleased that she had gotten the best of the normally collected boss. She just sipped her coffee like nothing had happened. Unfortunately, those who had arrived on time felt a little guilty for no reason at all like when our college teachers complained about poor attendance to the students who managed to actually show up. The bottom line was that the boss lost some credibility for acting like he was about to turn into the Hulk.
The truth is, lines delivered like this probably won’t have the desired effect anyway. Unless you’re Clint Eastwood, saying “I don’t like to repeat myself, PUNK!” won’t play well. Saying this publicly is a lot like trying to shame or embarrass somebody into submission. It really isn’t good leadership. It will likely foster resentment. You should see a line like this as a verbal red flag that will likely cost you some credibility.
Of course, in an ideal world, we shouldn’t have to repeat ourselves. Some of the people we are responsible for can and should be more reliable. At the same time, repeating ourselves just comes with the territory. People forget. They get preoccupied. Their lives are complicated. When we do repeat ourselves, we may need to say things in a different way. Needing to repeat information is not the problem. The I-shouldn’t–have-to-repeat-myself attitude is.
What can we do, then? Here’s a handy principle: Setting expectations in a group is fine. Enforcing expectations should be done in private. For instance, a second genuinely polite reminder in a group is probably okay if a few people are not meeting expectations. If this is the second time you’ve mentioned it, say it with a comfortable tone and handle it quickly between other agenda items. Don’t use a hammer in a group.
If specific people are still not living up to clear and reasonable expectations, you should talk to them each one-on-one and face-to-face. This is the unseen side of good leadership. This will feel like low-level discipline and discipline should be done in private. Plus, people will tell you things in private they wouldn’t tell you in a group. You may gain information that will help you lead them more effectively in the future.
There are lots of ways to have this discussion in private. A good friend of mine in the telecommunication industry is particularly good at giving one-on-one corrective feedback. His approach is simple: “I just say what I have to say as respectfully as I can.” He’s composed, clear, and kind in his delivery. Many effective leaders use these basic communication ingredients.
(1) Stay composed. Composure is a sign of a mature leader. Center yourself before the meeting. They will receive the feedback more readily if you are composed. This is all about your nonverbal communication. Communicate in a relaxed way. Make sure your tone of voice does not sound harsh. There’s no need to sound forceful. Quite the opposite. You’re trying to do two things: (a) Get the employee to live up to professional expectations, and (b) Build your credibility. Composure will help both.
(2) Say it clearly. As long as you are composed, your actual words can be direct. Practice how you will state your message a few times before the meeting. The simpler, the better. Don’t beat around the bush. “Thanks for coming in. I asked you to come in because you’ve been late for a few meetings. What’s going on?” You’ve stated the issue clearly and in a composed manner. The hard part is done.
(3) Be kind. After you’ve made your opening remark, listen supportively. Listening communicates kindness. You may find that there are good reasons for the employee's behavior. You never know what the employee is going through. Even if he or she makes excuses for past behavior, a conversation like this communicates loudly and clearly that lateness--or any other issue--does not live up to expectations and that the person will have to face you one-on-one about it.
In summary, when the usual offenders aren’t meeting expectations, have a composed, clear, kind one-on-one meeting. We can do better than verbal red flags like “I don’t like to repeat myself,” especially in a group setting. Leave that kind of talk to Dirty Harry.
Dr. Alexander Lyon is a professor and professional speaker and can be reached via www.alexanderlyon.com
Telltale Signs You’re about to Lose Credibility and What You Can Do About It
By Alexander Lyon
Years ago, I was attending a morning meeting. Unfortunately, a few people regularly showed up late. The manager had previously reminded the group that he expected them to be on time.
Still, this particular morning, one of the regular offenders wandered in with a cup of coffee and no explanation for her lateness. The normally composed manager lost his patience. He looked down at the table with his head cocked sideways and spoke at a deliberate pace. “I have already asked you to all be on time once. (long pause) I really don’t like to repeat myself.”
He obviously restrained himself from using stronger words. An awkward silence filled the room while he tried to shake off his frustration and refocus. I glanced over at the late arriver. She smirked and looked somewhat pleased that she had gotten the best of the normally collected boss. She just sipped her coffee like nothing had happened. Unfortunately, those who had arrived on time felt a little guilty for no reason at all like when our college teachers complained about poor attendance to the students who managed to actually show up. The bottom line was that the boss lost some credibility for acting like he was about to turn into the Hulk.
The truth is, lines delivered like this probably won’t have the desired effect anyway. Unless you’re Clint Eastwood, saying “I don’t like to repeat myself, PUNK!” won’t play well. Saying this publicly is a lot like trying to shame or embarrass somebody into submission. It really isn’t good leadership. It will likely foster resentment. You should see a line like this as a verbal red flag that will likely cost you some credibility.
Of course, in an ideal world, we shouldn’t have to repeat ourselves. Some of the people we are responsible for can and should be more reliable. At the same time, repeating ourselves just comes with the territory. People forget. They get preoccupied. Their lives are complicated. When we do repeat ourselves, we may need to say things in a different way. Needing to repeat information is not the problem. The I-shouldn’t–have-to-repeat-myself attitude is.
What can we do, then? Here’s a handy principle: Setting expectations in a group is fine. Enforcing expectations should be done in private. For instance, a second genuinely polite reminder in a group is probably okay if a few people are not meeting expectations. If this is the second time you’ve mentioned it, say it with a comfortable tone and handle it quickly between other agenda items. Don’t use a hammer in a group.
If specific people are still not living up to clear and reasonable expectations, you should talk to them each one-on-one and face-to-face. This is the unseen side of good leadership. This will feel like low-level discipline and discipline should be done in private. Plus, people will tell you things in private they wouldn’t tell you in a group. You may gain information that will help you lead them more effectively in the future.
There are lots of ways to have this discussion in private. A good friend of mine in the telecommunication industry is particularly good at giving one-on-one corrective feedback. His approach is simple: “I just say what I have to say as respectfully as I can.” He’s composed, clear, and kind in his delivery. Many effective leaders use these basic communication ingredients.
(1) Stay composed. Composure is a sign of a mature leader. Center yourself before the meeting. They will receive the feedback more readily if you are composed. This is all about your nonverbal communication. Communicate in a relaxed way. Make sure your tone of voice does not sound harsh. There’s no need to sound forceful. Quite the opposite. You’re trying to do two things: (a) Get the employee to live up to professional expectations, and (b) Build your credibility. Composure will help both.
(2) Say it clearly. As long as you are composed, your actual words can be direct. Practice how you will state your message a few times before the meeting. The simpler, the better. Don’t beat around the bush. “Thanks for coming in. I asked you to come in because you’ve been late for a few meetings. What’s going on?” You’ve stated the issue clearly and in a composed manner. The hard part is done.
(3) Be kind. After you’ve made your opening remark, listen supportively. Listening communicates kindness. You may find that there are good reasons for the employee's behavior. You never know what the employee is going through. Even if he or she makes excuses for past behavior, a conversation like this communicates loudly and clearly that lateness--or any other issue--does not live up to expectations and that the person will have to face you one-on-one about it.
In summary, when the usual offenders aren’t meeting expectations, have a composed, clear, kind one-on-one meeting. We can do better than verbal red flags like “I don’t like to repeat myself,” especially in a group setting. Leave that kind of talk to Dirty Harry.
Dr. Alexander Lyon is a professor and professional speaker and can be reached via www.alexanderlyon.com