Affirm and Ask for More: How to Give Constructive Feedback AND Strengthen Your Relationships at the Same Time
By Alexander Lyon, Ph.D.
Constructive criticism can do more harm than good if we handle it poorly. We’ve all worked with overly critical people who have little regard for the future of their working relationships. Overly critical bosses forget that they should have at least two goals: 1) improved performance and 2) a strengthened relationship.
Years ago, my brother and I played in a band and scraped up some money to record at a reputable studio. The sound engineer there was known for his technical skills. He was also needlessly harsh. “That vocal was terrible.” “The drums sound awful.” “That amp sounds like trash.” He grew nastier with each comment. Before long, he was “working blue,” as they say.
His feedback demoralized us. And, yes, we were paying him for this treatment. In the end, the recording sounded good but the experience was miserable. We resented him.
Contrast this with how the well-known director, Brad Bird, gives feedback. He’s directed The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and other successful animated films. When talking to his animators, he routinely says things like, “Looks great. The color on the costume looks better. Now can I get just a little more stretching of his body when he takes off?”
Bird is not “Mr. Nice guy,” either. In fact, he’s very demanding. His pattern is simple and has been repeated by great leaders, coaches, and teachers throughout history who share the two goals mentioned above: 1) Improved performance and 2) a strengthened relationship.
First, he gives praise for what looks good. Then, he offers constructive criticism. Put simply, he affirms and then asks for a little more. When we affirm genuinely, we give our employees the praise and respect they deserve. This strengthens our connection with them. When we then ask for more, they’ll be ready and willing to go the extra mile.
We shouldn’t wait for the dreaded annual review to dump out-of-context feedback all at once. Why not develop a daily habit of affirming positive aspects of employees’ performance and then asking for a little more each step along the way?
Alexander Lyon is a professor and professional speaker and can be reached via www.alexanderlyon.com
By Alexander Lyon, Ph.D.
Constructive criticism can do more harm than good if we handle it poorly. We’ve all worked with overly critical people who have little regard for the future of their working relationships. Overly critical bosses forget that they should have at least two goals: 1) improved performance and 2) a strengthened relationship.
Years ago, my brother and I played in a band and scraped up some money to record at a reputable studio. The sound engineer there was known for his technical skills. He was also needlessly harsh. “That vocal was terrible.” “The drums sound awful.” “That amp sounds like trash.” He grew nastier with each comment. Before long, he was “working blue,” as they say.
His feedback demoralized us. And, yes, we were paying him for this treatment. In the end, the recording sounded good but the experience was miserable. We resented him.
Contrast this with how the well-known director, Brad Bird, gives feedback. He’s directed The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and other successful animated films. When talking to his animators, he routinely says things like, “Looks great. The color on the costume looks better. Now can I get just a little more stretching of his body when he takes off?”
Bird is not “Mr. Nice guy,” either. In fact, he’s very demanding. His pattern is simple and has been repeated by great leaders, coaches, and teachers throughout history who share the two goals mentioned above: 1) Improved performance and 2) a strengthened relationship.
First, he gives praise for what looks good. Then, he offers constructive criticism. Put simply, he affirms and then asks for a little more. When we affirm genuinely, we give our employees the praise and respect they deserve. This strengthens our connection with them. When we then ask for more, they’ll be ready and willing to go the extra mile.
We shouldn’t wait for the dreaded annual review to dump out-of-context feedback all at once. Why not develop a daily habit of affirming positive aspects of employees’ performance and then asking for a little more each step along the way?
Alexander Lyon is a professor and professional speaker and can be reached via www.alexanderlyon.com